January 7, 2015


I seem to be still thinking about this lady jazz, and why I feel so disconnected from my gender in this generation.

Maybe, it's just because I seem to not fit in with anyone ever, period. Like boys and girls, I'm like the outcast of the world or something.

I don't know when in the past, my girlfriends were mean to me. They were selective on who they invited to parties and I felt that they didn't pick me as a friend because of who I am, but almost to be seen with me. And maybe it's because I surrounded myself with those type of girls, but I haven't in years had a problem with being a lady.

Maybe it is because of sex.

A girl deserves good sex.

I also don't drink. Which is a choice I make because of my weak stomach and how alcohol makes me too relaxed. 

One drink equals four for me and you end up talking to some body who doesn't deserve you.

Theres one part of me that many girls look at me like well, you have a boyfriend I'd do anything to have a boyfriend.

Well, yeah. It's nice and I love everything about Matias. But, didn't intinally start this way. I waited and waited and waited because nice guys are always shy. And they're not going to hurt you, but they're afraid of you hurting them. I've seem to hurt many guys in my past by saying wow, you didn't like me at all. When I really assumed, they didn't like me, but for boys it takes longer. They don't just fall in love like that. Girls are all over boys like fall in love with me, fall in love with me. To a point, a guy doesn't want to fall in love at all. For god sakes, I'm 18 and I could care less about having a boyfriend.

The only thing I want to do in this goddamn world is paint.

And it's a shame boys are assholes everywhere, maybe it's because they're pissed because they know they suck. 

I try to stay away from the word feminism. Not because I'm not one, but because I don't want that to define me.

My actions as a lady define who I am. My clothing and sense of self makes me extremely sexy I guess. 

And if you correct me, I think you should give it a try.

But, I think this all goes back to how I can consider myself as an independent.

Well, I'm indepedendently, a dependent.

I still cry to my mom all the time.
I cry to matias because the world is so beautiful.
I cry all the time because I'm just so goddamn overwhelming.

I know, it's time for majority of boys to grow up, but ladies be patient theres someone out there for you whos going to love you more than anything else in this world.

I think we all forgot about the little boys who threw sand in my face because he liked me. I would kill matias if he threw sand at me today, but many of these boys have never grown up since that.

And ladies, rather than being 'better than that' or above it', I always think you should learn from it and stand up for yourself always.

Throwing sand would be too nice so I'd throw the sharp plastic shovel.

I don't know, maybe it's because dyslexic hearing, when boys have said awful things to me, I've realized they're simply playing games with me because they think they're funny. I don't listen to what they say, but I see their actions.

Sometimes, they are evil.

My dad to this day can be a total asshole, God, I love him to death. But I told him about my terrible gas this week because I've been home dying of the somach flu and he seemed to tell me he's had enough of me being gross.

When I've been crying for almost 6 days straight, you just always say you're a fucking asshole

They will never grow up because I think it's in their nature.

Like our nature to become sooooo fucking tough. people think I'm chill but I'm actually the most tense person you'll ever meet. I can't sleep for more than 7 hours a night because I'm thinking about how I'm at such a disadvantage from my class because I slept too much in highschool. And I'm sitting next to the girl in history who learns naturally and fast and she's beautiful and she understands algebra. I want to say, you know you're lucky school comes easy for you.

Maybe, boys come easy to me because I get them and I have the most amazing brother ever who is a radical humanist like me.


But, I've met too many nasty girls to say that I'm such a feminist or yadda yadda.

I don't know, I've never been able to make a giant girl group work for me. I've never been able to feel completely  accepted into one and I continue to feel excluded from them. Who knows.

All people are terrible, thats my point.

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