January 24, 2015


This week I started class. And for some reason, I always get extremely nervous. I actually loose my appiete and turns my stomach into a giant knot.

The first day of class should be the easiest since its going over assignment after assignment, but the intial fear of getting THAT asshole teacher lingers in your head.

Teachers either love you or hate you.

I don't live in academia at all.
No one should.

The language is different. Teachers don't talk to you how they talk to others in their lives.

School to me is boring, but that maybe the idea I got from something when I was younger that just turned into my reality.

I think I once found it fun when I was making maps and we could sing songs and do dances to learn vocabulary.. Now, sitting at a desk has turned me into a student who nods her head in understanding some boring lecture about something thats too far off in my life for me to truly relate too.

Reading old israeli text, unless that is you're reads, please continue to love and devour every word and taste each bit of it.

It's genuinetly hard for me to read and the frustration that comes with it makes class harder for me to focus.

I love to participate, but everytime you talk the teachers manipulates the words into a completely different idea.

Some people are visual.

I still like to listen to a good story.

And listening to a slow story is boring, I like a fast suspensful drama that includes love and death and life and the total outcome shows the beauty in all of those and is told is the most simple way.

I can't follow along a lot.

I don't think a lot of people do.

Some people are naturally good readers who pick up on the story when they read. I have to read something 4 times or so and also have questions I have to ask myself like whos this person and why are they going here?

I think. haiorgajigaogj. My brain just can't connect. I'll find a fragment of broken words something about the orange sun and I'll focus on just that and conduct my own story.

Daydreaming in class, something most students don't do, but I recommend it.


Sleep is so important.

It's everyone thing.

Unless you don't or you can't or you wake up everyday at the same time.

I'm up at 7 every saturday.

January 15, 2015


Friendship is so strange to me. There not family, but people you've met later in your life who you look at as if they maybe a brother or sister. For me, I've been friends with a couple of people I've met around 3rd grade or so. Then, I have my most recent group of friends who I'd call much different from the people I spent growing up with in Winnetka.

Well, the first thing is is I never felt completely comfort in Winnetka so my friendships were short termed. I always wanted to leave and for some reason, people there seemed to like it.

I think of it as being afraid. They like the comfort there. It's definitely no Chicago.. I actually laugh about it all the time.

And in between these time periods of groups of people I call friends, like actual friends I'd call in times of trouble. I went through maybe 100 different friend groups where I tried to find someone.

I'm in need of some friends.

But, it just seems to me that people aren't looking for the friendship I am looking for.

I want an honest relationship with good meanings and lots of fun.
It's not like I'm asking for a lot, but a lot of people I know or thought I was friends with proved to me they do not care about any of those things.

They strictly care about if you are willing to have people over, willing to throw money of booze, and if OTHERS like you so they're willing to bring you around..

And it weirds me how people have separated friendships for separated parts of themselves. How do you really ignore this when you hangout with this person?

Am I maybe tough?

I don't know. I can't tell, but all I know if all my friends bother me all the time.

I think its maturity.

Everyone's still trying to get their fix and I'm just trying to sit and hangout. Yeah, I'd love to go out.

But I'm not dying too, so no one bothers to invite me at all anymore.

I've seem to realize maybe it is me, then I remember who I've been defriended by and I'm grateful again.

I have some friends who live only by their schedules and love to text me only when they have their free time.

And I've gotten really sick of my friends who think they know me like know me so well they can read me, you can never read someone by the way. Especially at this time of young age where we change.

And I understand people are people and friends are friends.

And I am no friends responsibility.

All I want to say is it would be fucking nice to be invited once in awhile by your best friend or any friends at all.

 But especially, a so called best friend. I've began to think they really just love the fucking title because they love you, but they're really into themselves at the moment.






It's the small things, small gestures of invitations or things you like. Hey, I know you've been feeling down let's get some sushi. Or, lets grab some tea.

And I know I'm tough and stubborn, but that doesn't mean I don't like going out and being around all types of people.

Some people are such idiots for assuming things.

Some friends are such idiots for assumings things.

And now in college, the friendship games have changed.

Some people had the greatest friendships of high school and others found it challenging as others did. And then you have the liars, who can't admit that they picked their friends based on terrible reason.

I know maybe people of that nature and I really hope they can think about what they've done.

People really need to pick friends wisely because you become who are around.
And friend's inspire you to be one way or another.


p.s  I'm getting my mustache LASERED off so maybe that will help.



January 12, 2015

As I sit in my empty dorm,  I think about all the things needed to be done. Some dishes, laundry from about 3 weeks ago, and there is clothing everywhere.

I never thought my love for shopping would kill me, but it slowly will. I'll loose oxygen and you'll find me buried under a million sweaters.

I need to organize my classes and figure out which days I actually have serious work to do and organize when I can really do nothing.

I need to pray for the weather to get better and my pulled tummy muscle need to relax so I can go back to eating my normal routine of unhealthy healthy food.

Something strange.

I text my roommate to see when she will be back and she never text me back. She actually never said bye to me and when I texted her hoping that she has a good break. She never responded then either.

I have a gut feeling that she might never come back at all.

I don't know, this is my first roommate and I find it extremely strange to ignore me.

And I know it's none of my business, but she totally failed two of her classes and lied completely to my face about it saying that classes has been cancelled for 2 weeks when I'm not an idiot. SAIC would never do that. Period.

You can only miss two classes total in a semester, I can't believe that she would make up that class was cancelled during finals week...

I think she thinks I'm stupid..

Or maybe, I'm the asshole and she just simply hates it here.

I just wish she would let me know and give me a heads up because I am living with her.

Her oddness makes me feel 120% unwanted in this environment and as time came closer to break, she seemed to become stranger and stranger with everything.

I know its terrible to rant about people behind their backs, but it seems that she wants nothing to do with me. So, I doubt she'll be reading my blog.

120% I have felt unwanted and weird.

Roommates are weird.
Dorms are weird.
I cannot wait to have an apartment off campus so I can hold mini parties where people smoke and drink and listen to great old tunes from our parents era and you know, do mildly safe acts and enjoy each others company.

Oh! I also have one of my first shows thats like a real show coming up at my friend, Tannaz place. I am so excited. I'll post more details once I find out more.

Its a VOODOO show, perfect for my VOODOO work.

Aw, my art is what really makes me happy.
Aw, it's so good to be completely happy.

It makes you feel free.

And that's all you need.


January 8, 2015


This Chicago weather is making it impossible to enjoy myself. After getting over a flu that lasted four days which is insane to me, I cannot believe I am still stuck at my parents house.

Urgh, parents home. They cater to you then yell at you when you don't say thank you. I understand I should say thank you more, but I didn't ask for this instant service to take my dishes. And to be yelled at every other moment.

I'm terrible, I love being at home. But, my moms quite the awful food shopper and I've ended up eating practically the same as I do at school.

Today, I made a single cheese pizza that tasted like my microwave and finished it off with some potato chips and some tears.

I want some homemade mac and cheese right about now.

And I want it to stop snowing so I can head back downtown.

I'm extremely lucky. I live across from the Chicago theater on State Street.

Yes, State street that great street. I am oh so very lucky. The loop is one strange place to live. I guess it's full of the busiest people of Chicago since it's all company buildings such as my fathers office, Michael Stamos fathers company, Harvey's dad too. I've bumped into them a couple of times. There is no escaping these dads, they're everywhere.

I've found it hard to believe I'm living in chicago without my family and I'm in college now.

Time seems to go fast yet sometimes I feel I'm 30. But at the moment, I've wanted it to slow down. There's never enough time anymore.

Every moment I want it to freeze so I can capture exactly what it is I am looking at.

Look from a differnt angle and ask someone else what they might of saw.

So, I can get exactly the experience I am experiencing.

You don't want to blink, but you do because you're eyes start to get fuzzy. You fall in love and your cheeks stiffen as the corners of your lips raise up into a smile.

These are the things I am grateful of.

I guess I should thank the snow for locking me inside and forcing me to think apon more important things than getting high with friends.

In the end, we should thank the cold for making the world alittle more introverted.

But, a weeks long enough.


While eating pizza, this is my time.

January 7, 2015


I seem to be still thinking about this lady jazz, and why I feel so disconnected from my gender in this generation.

Maybe, it's just because I seem to not fit in with anyone ever, period. Like boys and girls, I'm like the outcast of the world or something.

I don't know when in the past, my girlfriends were mean to me. They were selective on who they invited to parties and I felt that they didn't pick me as a friend because of who I am, but almost to be seen with me. And maybe it's because I surrounded myself with those type of girls, but I haven't in years had a problem with being a lady.

Maybe it is because of sex.

A girl deserves good sex.

I also don't drink. Which is a choice I make because of my weak stomach and how alcohol makes me too relaxed. 

One drink equals four for me and you end up talking to some body who doesn't deserve you.

Theres one part of me that many girls look at me like well, you have a boyfriend I'd do anything to have a boyfriend.

Well, yeah. It's nice and I love everything about Matias. But, didn't intinally start this way. I waited and waited and waited because nice guys are always shy. And they're not going to hurt you, but they're afraid of you hurting them. I've seem to hurt many guys in my past by saying wow, you didn't like me at all. When I really assumed, they didn't like me, but for boys it takes longer. They don't just fall in love like that. Girls are all over boys like fall in love with me, fall in love with me. To a point, a guy doesn't want to fall in love at all. For god sakes, I'm 18 and I could care less about having a boyfriend.

The only thing I want to do in this goddamn world is paint.

And it's a shame boys are assholes everywhere, maybe it's because they're pissed because they know they suck. 

I try to stay away from the word feminism. Not because I'm not one, but because I don't want that to define me.

My actions as a lady define who I am. My clothing and sense of self makes me extremely sexy I guess. 

And if you correct me, I think you should give it a try.

But, I think this all goes back to how I can consider myself as an independent.

Well, I'm indepedendently, a dependent.

I still cry to my mom all the time.
I cry to matias because the world is so beautiful.
I cry all the time because I'm just so goddamn overwhelming.

I know, it's time for majority of boys to grow up, but ladies be patient theres someone out there for you whos going to love you more than anything else in this world.

I think we all forgot about the little boys who threw sand in my face because he liked me. I would kill matias if he threw sand at me today, but many of these boys have never grown up since that.

And ladies, rather than being 'better than that' or above it', I always think you should learn from it and stand up for yourself always.

Throwing sand would be too nice so I'd throw the sharp plastic shovel.

I don't know, maybe it's because dyslexic hearing, when boys have said awful things to me, I've realized they're simply playing games with me because they think they're funny. I don't listen to what they say, but I see their actions.

Sometimes, they are evil.

My dad to this day can be a total asshole, God, I love him to death. But I told him about my terrible gas this week because I've been home dying of the somach flu and he seemed to tell me he's had enough of me being gross.

When I've been crying for almost 6 days straight, you just always say you're a fucking asshole

They will never grow up because I think it's in their nature.

Like our nature to become sooooo fucking tough. people think I'm chill but I'm actually the most tense person you'll ever meet. I can't sleep for more than 7 hours a night because I'm thinking about how I'm at such a disadvantage from my class because I slept too much in highschool. And I'm sitting next to the girl in history who learns naturally and fast and she's beautiful and she understands algebra. I want to say, you know you're lucky school comes easy for you.

Maybe, boys come easy to me because I get them and I have the most amazing brother ever who is a radical humanist like me.


But, I've met too many nasty girls to say that I'm such a feminist or yadda yadda.

I don't know, I've never been able to make a giant girl group work for me. I've never been able to feel completely  accepted into one and I continue to feel excluded from them. Who knows.

All people are terrible, thats my point.

January 2, 2015


I used to always think ladies have to stick together. But theres something so interesting to me about the independent woman.

Why is it that woman go to the bathroom with someone else?

Even though I'm not a man, I never really understood it.

Yet, I did it when I was young. I'd drag my best friend to the bathroom, make her sit in the bathroom while I pee and I'd tell her some pointless story about some girl I didn't like or some jerk that hurt my feelings. 

I now enjoy finding the bathroom on my own and peeing in complete privacy. Even when I am blackout drunk, I will know.

And its weird.

I don't know I've always felt a disconnect from the girl posses who take much pride in their lady friends. Maybe its because I'm a terrible friend or maybe I just simply don't get it because I wasn't ever completely happy within one of them. I doubt anyone is though.

 I'm just not into the phony sorority fraternity lives that suck you dry.

Even the clans of boys are insane, stop sucking each others dicks and get a fucking girlfriend. or boyfriend, that's fine!

Everyone needs to grow up...


January 1, 2015


Sometimes you feel like you're dying. Like actually dying, when you have a fever of 104 and can't stop shitting yourself while vomiting at the same time. You can't think about anything until you say, damn, am I going to be fucking okay? You look in the mirror for half a second and see a ghost of yourself, a pale empty body praying that this bug will pass.

It will pass.

But it took four days of no eating and constant tossing and turning in bed. And for some reason I had to sleep with the lights on because the dark made me too nauseous.

I fell asleep by my window and I fell asleep in my bathroom, I woke up and thought I broke my wrist because I had slept on it like a fucking idiot having it twist backwards.

But, when you're dying who cares if your wrist is broken.

I sincerely hope no one goes through whatever the hell I just did. 

As it welcomed me into the new year, I am so blessed. 

Pray for the sick


December 29, 2014


And sometimes you look at things that make you completely weep.

I keep holding onto things that make it frustrated for me to focus.


Going home for the holidays has been strange. There's moments that make me wanna move closer to home and then the small things that remind you why you are where you are.

There's definitely things I need to think about.

My brother who is 23 lives at home and is a sports journalist.
My sister who is turning 27 lives off Division in Chicago, she's an art teacher.
I am 18, living off of state street right in Chicago too, I am a student.

All of us are five years apart and as we grow older our relationships have become much different. My parents and us are best friends. I've suddenly been invited to sit with the adults at family gatherings.

Yes, there has a majority of terrible moments of me wanting to have longlasting fights with all of them until they give in to whatever my mouth spills, but these restless fights of yelling have made my cheeks hurt.

It's time to give my face a rest as well as everyone else.


If it's from either yelling, crying, or laughing, the face is never dulled when around people of love.

Oh families, what would we do without you? Without your help of classifications and organization of people in the world? There must be reason.

There's too much to think about. 

All I know is that it's terrible being home. It's boring and dull and everyone's kind of a drag. Love to see my friends and all, but theres no where to explore when you seem to seen everything. And as I retrace my steps in winnetka, the sight into my old life just makes me feel stranger.

Maybe that explains why I'm back blogging or something.


December 28, 2014


I feel you, Mutu. More and More, keep looking! The minor details suck you in. Is that snake being beheaded? Blue palm tree on a jellyfish. Something alluring while also haunting and spooky. Me like, Mutu, me like.

December 27, 2014

Two years, lost in translation


 You know some may say this is a little sad, but I find it kind of therapeutic. I cannot help ,but laugh at myself in moments like these. I know its healthy.
I used to blog all the time and found myself full of joy while I wrote long painful manuscipts about a single moment that happened in my day. If no one read it, thats fine. But it made me feel funny.

People said it was funny.

And every odd year, I had something to write about.

Though I don't want to bore you.

I know I won't



Lastly, I'm starting a short film about falling in love.

May 22, 2013

...Happy wednesday?

Probably my least favorite day of the week, it is my least favorite day of the week. 

At the moment, I am researching for a nice spanish project, spanish artists! They are sick... like the masters, I've always dreamt to paint like. I'm going to start drawing Jesus, maybe it'll clear my sins and I'll have my paintings next to El Greco... 




May 9, 2013



Even our genetics get a little greedy


But, it seems being selfish is 'cool' since we tolerant it so much. 


I'm very selfish.

Blues gotta' love the selfish

 This is what the selfish look like, they are worms, it ain't cute.


You're probably thinking what the hell is she talking about. Well, I find that many people around me are extremely selfish, yes, including myself. I don't want to be selfish, but it perpetuates... This really ugly girl past me while pushing me aside for her to pass. She has her own stuff, right? For all I know, she could have just shit her pants. Well, she dropped her wallet. In those three seconds, I thought about if I had lost my wallet with my I.D, money, train pass, things of which I would be mad if I lost that I would be so mad, knowing someone had probably seen it and done nothing. So, I picked up the wallet and called out to the girl, "Yo, dude, you dropped your wallet".  I was returning a wallet which had 60 bucks inside, this was a nice gesture.  "Oh my god!" I got no thank you, nothing. Man, if I had three seconds more I would have kept that 60 bucks, spent it on a nice pair of shoes. My selfless act changed no one, the selfish continue to be selfish and so, I ask the question 'Why do I need to be the good guy?' 

I wanna be good, but it is so hard when everyone around you is bad.

Cows are cool.


May 3, 2013


I do not have much to tell or spell or say or anything. It's 1:16 and I am still awake. Five years have passed and I continue to think everyone around me is completely insane.

We could talk about my obsession with James Baldwin?

I had just finished reading his play, Blues for Mr.Charlie, well, not completely finished because I still had to read Authors Notes...
The notes were a perfect reflection of individuality VS. society and how many people simply close their eyes to the idea. Was it their choice to close their eyes? Is society so messed up that why even open them? I'm lost here too. It's sad because it is such a beautiful world, is it possible we poisoned it?

James Baldwin looked at adults as teachers and children as listeners, but he knew those children would become teachers and that very reason made it so important to LISTEN and LEARN from them.


I'm a junior in High School and have made plenty of mistakes. These mistakes are classic High School mistakes yet it makes no sense to me that we call them mistakes and they have been repeated by many students!




Hatred, which could destroy so much, never failed to destroy the man who hated, and this was an immutable law.
James A. Baldwin 

When a man asks himself what is meant by action he proves that he isn't a man of action. Action is a lack of balance. In order to act you must be somewhat insane. A reasonably sensible man is satisfied with thinking.
James A. Baldwin 

People can cry much easier than they can change.
James A. Baldwin 

Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.
James A. Baldwin

People pay for what they do, and still more for what they have allowed themselves to become. And they pay for it very simply; by the lives they lead.
James A. Baldwin 

Well, now it is two in the morning. I have chatted about three of my ex-boyfriends, they responded... I blogged, I sang, I cried for 20 minutes. Now, I think I'm ready to go to bed. 


April 24, 2013

I hope you guys think this guy is as rad as I do.


It's so odd and off at the same time. I have no idea if I like these paintings or not. They freak me out in sort of a good way? It's like looking at really weird porn or something.  It's all freaky things. I think he's really rad though. The one right above is my favorite, with the alligator head. 




Gross, but cool... The whole things weird. 

Woah, dude, it's an art feed. What?  Fart food? No and really bad joke, but no, art feed.  An art feed is a place for people,like you, to submit cool things you do! It does not need to be related to art, it could be cute pictures of your dog or your dad!


Lisa Yuskavage

I love her.